The InnKeeper's User Manual


	The InnKeeper's User Manual I'm a fervent believer in the Me Manual - an "instruction manual" telling people how to deal with yourself. It can include your quirks, your fears, your Love Languages, your kinks, your triggers, your medical history, whatever. The point is that I am strongly opposed to treating partners and loved ones as if they have magic crystal balls and can divine what you want and don't want in relationships. So I put together a Me Manual, detailing all of those kinds of things. In fact, it's in my blog under the tag: Me Manual. But Cunning Minx, of the Poly Weekly podcast, has a background in marketing and has put together a User Manual template that is short and to the point (and also available at the end of her book 8 Things I Wish I'd Known About Polyamory). It's much easier reading than my jumbled novel-length posts sparked by random thoughts and situations. So I've taken her template and created my own based on it. This covers pretty much all the same things as my Me Manual does, but in a single, digestible format. Family Background & History How To Attract Me - Emotionally How To Attract Me - Flirting How To Attract Me - Sexually Turn Ons Turn Offs Part A: Family Background/History (this might explain some of my quirks) I'm an oldest child. Excellent student, overachiever, bored easily, often in competition with my younger sister who excelled at everything I didn't & who felt challenged at everything I was good at. I am a Gifted child. This means that I am incredibly smart, but I was praised for being smart, not for trying hard. Consequently, I get embarrassed or frustrated when something doesn't come easily to me, so I will often not bother trying or I'll give up quickly and move onto other things and that my potential in many areas has not been met because I gave up and moved on. But it also means that I have a great deal of interests and knowledge, and I'm proud of that. And it means that I will grasp things fairly quickly and will probably have a decent working understanding of certain topics that I have formed opinions or conclusions about and may not wish to hear an opposing viewpoint if I feel that I've heard it already and rejected it. It may be the first time you've spoken about it to me, but it's not the first time I've heard it. My family is the classic American "normal" nuclear family. Catholic parents who married right after high school, still together, 2 kids, dog, suburbs, one scholarly kid & one jock kid. They believed very strongly that family was forever, so fights don't generally frighten me & I don't assume there is anything wrong with the relationship just because there is the occasional fight. People who do fear fights or see them as automatic symbols of relationship distress confuse and frustrate me. I'm independent. I was raised to be independent, but really, this is an internal trait that far exceeds what my parents actually intended to instill. I like lots of alone time, I like taking care of myself, I take pride in developing the types of skills that allow me to be self-sufficient. However, I may occasionally feel a little bit left out when everyone in my life has someone to depend on and I end up taking care of myself when I'm sick and attending parties alone. So very small gestures of assistance or partnership are incredibly meaningful to me, as long as they are not done after I insist that I don't want the assistance and with the acknowledgement that I am still capable of doing it on my own. I have abandonment issues because of a long history of men "trying out" polyamory for my sake, only to dump me for the first girl to come along who wants them but doesn't want polyamory. I also have a long history of men just up and leaving with no contact or explanation (i.e. the Disappearing Act form of breakup, also known as Ghosting). I need lots of assurances that whatever new partner comes along, that I won't be "replaced", that my partners intend to stick around for a while, that breakups will be civil and respectful and compassionate, and that my partners have a commitment to being "friendly exes" themselves. After a recent series of very bad breakups, I have an even larger amount of anxiety about people's breakup skills and dedications to polyamory or to me in particular. I'm adopted so I have an, apparently, unusual ability to see poly analogs in monogamous society. Most of what I learned about how to manage multiple adult families and how to love multiple people came from my loving, heteronormative, family-oriented, monogamous family. It also means that I'm very sensitive about intentional families and intentional family-planning. I feel very strongly about issues of family being one of choice, not blood, and in the right to choice in parenting, and extrapolating those concepts to polyamory and other family and relationship issues. Part B: How To Attract Me: Emotionally Make time for me but don't demand all of my time. Not enough regular contact and I'll assume you're not that into me and I'll just go about my life without putting too much thought into how it affects you. This could even happen after a relationship has been established. If I feel that you don't have time for me but I'm not otherwise unhappy about the relationship enough to breakup, I'll just start to withdraw myself and start going about my life with less consultation with you, transitioning to a more casually structured relationship even if I maintain a deep emotional connection. But too much demand for regular contact and I'll start to feel confined. I want regular contact with my partners, but I also want flexibility from my partners with regards to my chaotic and unconventional schedule. In order, my preference for "contact" is: face-to-face / in-person time; phone conversations; online chat & public social networking interaction (tied); Skype; texting & email (tied). One exception is that public social networking interaction that is positive/complimentary/flirty/ or otherwise publicly acknowledges & reinforces a relationship is also very meaningful for me. But that's Words of Affirmation Love Language, whereas the methods of contact fall under Quality Time Love Language. Both are equally meaningful to me. If you aren't familiar with the Five Love Languages, I write about my Love Languages specifically in my Personality Profile page, and you can also ask me and we'll talk more on the subject. It's pretty extensive. Ask your partner(s) to reach out to me. I prefer family-oriented inclusive networks, and having a metamour reach out to me reinforces the impression that my partners & metamours share my family values. It also greatly reduces my initial anxiety at the beginning of a relationship regarding the question of whether or not I am wanted or if there are any hidden anti-poly feelings or traps waiting for me. Get to know my other partners. Taking the initiative to reach out and get to know my other partners is a HUGE emotional turn on for me. Especially Franklin, as he is someone I admire outside of just being my partner. He often expresses the things I want to say in a more lucid way than I can. So it's important to me that my other partners read his works and interact with him. But it's also important that my partners get to know each other even those who aren't Franklin. When my partners are local, I need to be able to have Quality Time when multiple partners and/or metamours are present, so it's important that they get along with each other even if they don't become best friends outside of me. When my partners aren't local, I need to have multiple eyes and checks on my behaviour and my emotional state, so coordinating and comparing notes with each other is a valuable tool for keeping abreast of my well-being. Also, being interested and willing to contact each other independently of me shows that you want the kind of inclusive, interconnected network that I want and resistance to reaching out to my other partners often signals an underlying issue with polyamory or my other partners specifically, or with abdicating the emotional labor necessary to maintain large poly networks. Even if it doesn't signal that in you, I will read it as such because of past patterns and it will distress me if you don't initiate or respond to contact and attempts at finding your own friendly path with my other partners. Share my values on personal sovereignty, freedom in relationships, trust, and personal security. I am very attracted to people who are secure in themselves and their relationships to not feel the need for emotional crutches like veto power & behaviour-limiting relationship rules. Even better if you're not just personally secure enough to not need those things, but if you actively disapprove of those things and see the harm they cause everyone involved, not just the incoming partner who is typically the most disadvantaged in these situations. Call me with stuff you think is funny / happy. I've developed an aversion to people with tremendous drama in their lives, and one of the things I've grown to appreciate is a partner who will share joy, not just pain. I'm also prone to cynicism (and I don't particularly want anyone to try and change that about me), but I do appreciate having happy, joyful, optimistic people around to balance me out. Making me smile or laugh is a great skill. Be willing to cry in front of me. I'm touched when someone trusts me enough to cry in front of me. Show me your vulnerability, and I'll show you mine. Very few people get to see it. Be willing to say "I was wrong" Admitting you were wrong with humility and without defensiveness is a huge turn-on for me. Not being able to do this is a deal-breaker. And be patient with me when I have a hard time doing the same, that's also an emotional turn-on for me. Be willing to stand your ground when you believe I'm wrong. As the episode from Sex And The City goes, I'm looking for someone who is strong enough to catch me. I don't want a yes-man, but I don't want an argumentative jerk either. I want people who are strong and confident and who treat me like a person, not a fragile angel or a goddess or a superstar. Listen to me, even if I'm ranting. Chances are that once I think you understand my point of view, I'll figure out all on my own that you're right on quite a few of your main points. Let me leave. If I leave the room or ask to stop the conversation when things are getting tense, it's because I'm becoming overwhelmed and I'm feeling attacked or cornered, what some psychologists call "being flooded". I need to escape to give myself a chance to calm down and think more rationally. When I leave, I'm not waiting the obligatory 5 seconds to see if you come after me. I'm really trying to escape, so please just let me go. If you have the ability to switch gears and change the subject to something lighthearted, especially if you can make me laugh, then I don't have to physically leave the room; I just need to emotionally "leave" the argument or situation, so you can ask me to stay and I'll stay. Tell / show me you like me for who I am, not just for my hot ass and not just because I'm "Joreth". I'm really proud of my work and my accomplishments. In addition to a long history of men who leave when they find a "real girlfriend", I also have a long history of men who either date me or fuck me because they think I'm hot or they're somewhat starstruck, but they don't seem to really like me very much. They build up this model in their head of who they think I am or who I should be, and they tend to get resentful when I behave exactly according to who I told them I was instead of the model they made me out to be. So if you show an interest in getting to know all of me, not just the fun bits, I'll be really grateful, and it will help build trust. I'm looking for people who don't just "put up with" or tolerate these parts of me, like my temper or my "masculinity", I'm looking for people who celebrate those difficult or messy parts of me, even if they are also trying or frustrating at times. Rub my shoulders, neck, and back, and don't be stingy with the pressure. Show me you have nice, strong hands and aren't afraid of all the tension I keep in my neck and shoulders. Don't use massages as a prelude to sexual encounters, as flirting, as an excuse to get your hands on my body, or try to "sneak" in sex or erotic touching. My back is damaged & I am in constant pain (some days are better than others). Back rubs do not equal "sex" to me, and attempts to make them erotic really anger me. If you really want to get in my good graces, give me a therapeutic massage and keep the sex out of it. Do it because you care about the pain I'm in and want to help, not as a selfish excuse to get something out of it for yourself. Read my writings and follow me on social networking sites. I get not having a lot of time for the internet, but I spend a lot of my own time there, so I spend a lot of me there. If you want to really know me and who I am, be a presence in my internet life and read the things that I take the time to write. The less in-person time we spend together, the more important this is to me. The Five Love Languages are a good start to the kinds of things that I need to feel loved and how I express love. I am multi-lingual; I need for love to be shown to me in Quality Time and Words of Affirmation the most, but very closely following is Acts of Service and Physical Touch. I wrote a whole page about how I need each of these Languages to be expressed and how each can be used to hurt me in especially damaging ways, so talk to me about this and check in every so often to see which Language is expressing itself the most at any given time. Gift Giving is tricky with me and it doesn't mean as much to me as the other languages, so if you like to express your love by buying gifts, it's best to stick with my online Wishlists or to outright ask me how I feel about something. I'm also terrible about knowing what to buy, so if you feel loved when you receive gifts, I'll need a wishlist from you. Flirting Quote my favorite movies, or movies in my favorite genres even if that particular movie isn't one of my favorites. Fix my computer/server issues or car issues. I consider myself technically & mechanically competent, but I am extremely turned on by guys who are as competent as I am, or more, especially in those areas that are not my areas of expertise, like computers & cars. Only do so because you want to help me and not with the expectation that I will "reward" you for helping me by offering sexual or relationship favors. Kindness is hot, entitlement is not. Prefer to wear practical clothing. I especially like geek clothing, stagehand clothing, and "country" wear for casual or practical. There's nothing like a hot ass in a pair of worn jeans or a shirt that shows off biceps and work-roughened forearms to get me going. I also like it when guys are ready to "do stuff". When something needs to be fixed, or we go outside in the heat, or we're working, or we're just goofing off and playing around, I like a guy who isn't worried about damaging his clothing or who dresses in clothes that won't let him do what needs to be done. But also enjoy dressing up for special occasions. It's also incredibly attractive to me when guys take the effort to dress up for occasions, either in costume or in nicer outfits for dinner, dancing, or other formal events. Knowing how (or expressing interest in learning) to dress for the occasion, whether it's up for special events or down for practical daily stuff, is attractive to me. Do the emotional labor of paying attention to fashion and its consequences so that I, as the woman, am not the only one held responsible for attire since the consequences for improper attire of either gender tend to fall more heavily upon the woman in hetero relationships. Shouldering emotional labor is attractive. Bonus points for coordinating outfits with me. This is not exclusive – coordinating outfits with multiple people is also win. Go dancing with me. I really love a guy who dances or who is willing to learn how to dance. If dancing isn't your thing, being interested in watching me dance is another option. This goes back to liking me for who I am – appreciating one of my skills which is a particularly strong passion of mine - as well as sharing my interests and engaging in Quality Time. Send me sexy texts. I enjoy little random reminders of our sexual relationship, but especially when they are stand-alone flirting and do not have any expectations attached to them. Use puns & double entendres. I like humor with multiple meanings, and if something can be said that is completely innocent but also taken sexually, I'll probably find it amusing. Options for Joreth-friendly dates: ice cream; rock climbing; ballroom & swing dancing; something physical or unusual; interesting meals; movies & hot chocolate afterwards to talk about the movie; photography expeditions; exploring or urban spelunking; learning something new; attending science-themed and/or educational events; attending skeptical events; exploring shared kinks (but only after we have discussed and developed a kinky aspect to our relationship). Share my interests with me and share your interests with me. I have a lot of interests, not just sex, poly and kink. If you love to cook, I would love someone to cook an elaborate dinner with or to appreciate someone's cooking skill if you want to cook for me. If you are into interior design/home renovation, I'd love someone to brainstorm and carry out home improvement projects with. If you dance, I'd love someone to hone my dance skills with. If you travel, I'd love someone to go on trips with--sightseeing in Europe, relaxing on the beach in Mexico, exploring Tibet, rambling through Ireland or New Zealand, cruising to Alaska, discovering local Florida. Share your interests with me, involve me in your world, and engage my participation. I do not drink caffeine, alcohol, or smoke any substance, so being sober around me is a good start to any attempt at flirting, as is taking me places where sobriety will not detract from my enjoyment of the environment. Be aware of times of the day when I'll be most receptive to flirting. I probably have Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome, which is when the circadian rhythm is off by several hours. This means that I am not a morning person, and nothing you can do or say will change that. Getting on a "schedule" will not fix it, going to bed early won't fix it, waking me up with sex won't fix it. My best times for interactions start in late afternoon. If you can stay up late with me, bonus. I also probably have OCD, which means that if my mind is on something like a project or a task, I will be unreceptive to being interrupted with sexy times, although flirting without attached expectations may be appropriate, depending on the task that is distracting me. Sexually Casual sex: I have a wildly fluctuating libido, so I will go for short bursts of wanting sex all the time to long months, sometimes years, of not wanting sex at all. This means that when I have a deeply intimate local partner, I don't generally have enough attention or libido left over for casual sex and I find casual sex partners to be fun but ultimately not fulfilling. So I generally don't expend much energy in pursuing or maintaining casual sex partners. However, I am also somewhat opportunistic about sexual activities. If a rare opportunity comes up for a particular sexual activity that I might find interesting, I tend to want to act on that opportunity even if it means taking on a casual partner or one-night-stand to do it and even if my libido is otherwise in a low point. I have to be in the right frame of mind for a casual sex relationship, and I am usually aware of when I am and am not capable of such a relationship. If I am not in the right frame of mind, I will likely be very unreceptive to casual sex propositions. If you are hoping to have a casual sex relationship with me, it is absolutely paramount that you accept rejection gracefully and do not continue to push. If I change my mind, I will approach you. If you push, I am not likely to change my mind. If you are hoping to have an emotionally intimate relationship with me, I need the freedom to pursue the occasional casual sex relationship as certain opportunities arise without you feeling like it is a commentary on our relationship (this is particularly important if I become interested in a casual partner while I am in an otherwise low libido phase). I accept temporary safety boundaries imposed between us due to my casual partners, as I would probably request the same of you. I also prefer to have partners that do not desire casual partners themselves, at least not often, because of those safety boundaries – I don't want to have many boundaries between myself and my partners so I'd rather be with people who do not do the sorts of things that result in me needing higher safety boundaries between us. But I am not imposing a "no casual partners" rule for my partners. I am just more comfortable with partners who themselves have a low desire for casual partners. It's a double standard, I'm aware of that, and I understand if you don't like it. Libido: As mentioned above, I have a wildly fluctuating libido. I am beginning to suspect I have what's called a "responsive libido", which is where the default position is "off" but it can be turned to "on" in response to the correct stimuli. But it also means that even when it's "on", it can quickly be turned to "off" with the incorrect stimuli. The difference, it is explained, is that people with non-responsive libidos think "hmm, I'm aroused, let's go find someone to have sex with," while someone with a responsive libido thinks "hey, this activity is arousing me, I guess I can have sex." It's more nuanced than that, and we can talk more about it, but the gist is that my libido will take a sharp nosedive after the NRE has worn off and it's not a statement on the relationship or my feelings for my partner. I will lose interest in sex and I will stop initiating. This can be very difficult on my partners, but repeated attempts to stimulate my libido when it drops usually result in lowering the libido further. I need partners who have a strong sense of self-esteem who can withstand the drop in sex without feeling it as an assault on their attractiveness or the state of our relationship, and who can work with me on compromises so that I can continue to show and express my love and affection without instigating the resentment that comes from implications of entitlement and neediness (i.e. low self-worth) that many attempts to boost my libido often come with. That all being said, with the right context and contact, my libido can often be coaxed into being "on". Check in with me to see if the context and contact is right at any given moment. What is sex to me? To me, in general, sex is anything that I am most likely to get an STI from such as vaginal or anal penetration or oral sex or genital contact as well as anything that contributes to and/or results in sexual arousal and/or orgasm such as frottage (dry humping), "making out", heavy petting, "snogging", sexting, and webcaming. I do not consider kissing to be sex, but it is a behaviour that can transmit an STI, as well as other infections. I have a chronic respiratory condition, so when it comes to safety measures, I do include kissing in STI and safety discussions even though I don't consider it "sex" in the same way that I consider other acts. Also, I separate BDSM scening and sex; kink for me does not necessarily involve sex or sexual contact, so in discussions about sex and/or safety, BDSM is not included unless a specific activity also falls into the category of STI transmission, sexual contact, orgasm, and possibly arousal. I also separate out "things that are a safety issue" and "things that are an emotional issue" with regards to sex. So even though I don't consider kissing to be sex, I'm still going to want to be notified about intentions to kiss and as soon after kissing has happened as possible when my partner's other partner is not an established partner, and only part of the reason I want to be notified will have to do with safety issues. When a partner has an established partner, I am much more comfortable with not knowing about each specific instance of sexuality. But I have difficulty with change and I have my own emotional issues (discussed elsewhere in this document), so knowing ahead of time that there is potential for sexuality with a new partner, knowing that there is interest even if the other person isn't aware of the interest / hasn't expressed reciprocal interest, and being notified as soon afterwards as possible of a new sexual development or encounter is very important to me and I may ask for emotional reassurances. People often ask me what I'm into sexually. And in truth, the answer is, "It depends." There are a few activities I know I enjoy, to be sure. I've discovered, though, that it's often not the activity; it's the dynamic between the people and their respective levels of enthusiasm for and skill at the activity that matters. If you do something really well or have some special skill or kink, just let me know. Even if it's not my favorite thing now, it might be with you. And my favorite thing now might not be all that great with you. Let's just see what we're into together, shall we? That being said... Part C: Turn Ons Grabbing me by the hair but not pulling. I do not like the pain of hair pulling at all, but I do like the intensity of emotion or passion that is often signaled by gripping the hair and I enjoy the use of hair grabbing to control me. Forcefulness. Once we are in an established relationship and once I feel comfortable and safe with you and once I feel accepted by your other partners, I am really turned on by a partner manhandling me and pinning me to a wall or a bed, or pretty much anything in that vein. Slam me up against a wall (protecting my head with your hand), push me down, hold my wrists above my head or behind my back, and don't let up when I resist unless I say "ow" or "stop". If I say "no" in this context, I might not mean "no". You have to be able to tell by the tone of my voice and if I'm explaining something seriously whether "no" means no or is just part of the aggressive scene. Watch porn with me. Not boring straight porn. Gay and/or gang-bang porn. And parody porn, although that might illicit more laughter than arousal. Flirt with me in public. Use double entendres and over-the-top promises or threats. Make it light-hearted, something that can be taken as a joke. You can even flirt by saying things that are totally off-limits in real life or that you do not actually intend. The point is to make me smile and think sexy thoughts, not to be a serious negotiation. Tease me. Make promises/threats, touch me in almost-erotic zones, flirt with me in public, steal me away from work or public events for quick make-out sessions and then send me back while I'm still hot and bothered, draw out the foreplay until I beg to be fucked. Foreplay can last a few minutes, a few hours, or even a few days. Just pay attention to see if I'm enjoying the foreplay or if I'm starting to get frustrated. If it goes on for too long, I'll lose my arousal. But don't just go straight for the nipples, the crotch, or the sex. I need to get worked up first. However, if you've been teasing me well, like getting me aroused while I'm at work, then when I finally do get you in a place where sex is appropriate, you can go straight for the sex with no warm-up because the warm-up will have been happening already. Be a good kisser. This is very subjective, so what it means is to pay attention to how I'm kissing you and attempt to match my style (as I'll be doing with you), as well as modifying the style for different purposes. I love deep kissing and that's a huge turn on, but I also like sweet, tender kisses, and quick I'm-just-thinking-of-you-and-wanting-to-connect-with-you kisses. I like kisses that start out chaste, and then turn flirty and teasing, and then turn passionate, just like sex. And I especially like partners who like to kiss just for the sake of kissing and not only as a prelude to something else. If you're interested in some hot, passionate kissing (especially in public, or pulling me aside privately when we're in a place where that kind of kissing is not appropriate) that gets us both worked up but then ends with the kissing and we go about our business, that's almost a guaranteed way to keep me coming back for more. Give me tons of aftercare. Cover me with a blanket and hold me. Let me cry if that's where I go afterwards. Let me ramble if that's where I go. Let me sit in silence. Have my favorite after comfort food ready for me – milk chocolate Symphony bar and Martinelli's sparkling apple cider. If that's not available, one of the many sweets that I enjoy will work too, but that's my favorite. Make sure I get home safely, and call me the next day to connect. Live chat online may work as a substitute, but texting is less preferable, especially if I have to work the next day. I hate back-and-forth conversations by text, but I love small, immediate reminders of my loved ones and our time together. Part D: Turn Offs: Insulting your former partners. I understand needing to complain about past relationships or being honest about the problems or flaws with past relationships, but guys who call their exes "crazy" or who can't maintain any friendships post-breakup are a major turn off and red-flag for me. The same could be said for present partners. If you don't respect your current partners, then I'll have trouble respecting you for your choice to be with them. Lack of communication. I fall in love with the brain first, so if you can't talk to me (or your partners can't), we probably won't go anywhere. Being too popular / high turnover. Guys with five or more partners or high partner turnover will probably find dating me challenging, since I like to take the time to get to know my metamours. I'm also not a big fan of the scarcity model of sex and relationships. In my experience, people who have large numbers of partners or high turnover rates of partners often feel compelled to act on every impulse and attraction that they feel even when that means they go beyond their polysaturation point, they choose partners that aren't compatible with their existing networks or their existing schedules, or when they over-extend themselves and the rest of their partners suffer because they've taken on too many obligations, responsibilities, or interests. People who feel that love and sex is abundant tend to be more responsible about choosing partners and will often refrain from opportunities in the interests of maintaining their time management and existing relationships because they feel confident that love and sex is plentiful and they don't need to explore something just because it's offered or available. I like when my partners know their limits and when they value their existing relationships enough to consider the impact that high numbers of new partners will have on them. Dating too young. Guys who are dating in the 18-25 range or who date more than 15 years their junior, in my experience, tend to enjoy either the drama or glib dependence of youth, and I have a low tolerance for both in my dating life. With men, there is the added complication of a built-in unequal power dynamic that has to be compensated for and not acknowledging that power dynamic sets off red flags for me. The webcomic XKCD offers a starting point for determining a reasonable (in my opinion) age range cut-off point: Younger than half your age + 7 years = creepy territory. I, personally, try not to date anyone young enough to have been my own child, which is where the 15 years mentioned above comes from. Of course, the older the age of the younger person in a couple, the greater the gap can be without triggering the power dynamic or the "creepy" factor or the drama factor and the XKCD formula accounts for that. Life Stages also play a role in determining the suitability of an age gap. Not getting tested. Not being willing to wear protection and not getting tested regularly are hard limits for me. Let me repeat that – this is a deal-breaker. Getting tested and wearing protection just with me isn't even enough. I am only interested in sexual relationships with guys who are interested for their own sakes in getting tested regularly and using protection when appropriate no matter who their partners are or how many they have. Not respecting feminism or agency or autonomy or personal sovereignty. You might not understand that feminism is all about the latter three, and so don't consider yourself a feminist. That's OK, education can clear that up. But the issues of agency et. al are literally about my very humanity, so not respecting them means not respecting me as a human being, and not respecting me is a turn off. Any current connection with MRA or PUA culture is a deal-breaker. Libertarianism or admiration for Ayn Rand also don't work too well for me. Missing The Point Pedantry. I get very irritated when I'm trying to make a point and all knowledge of who I am, my history, precedent, social convention, casual language, and poetic license get pushed aside in order to argue with me some issue of pedantry that misses the point of what I'm trying to say. Also, rules-lawyering. If you argue with me over the letter of the law without acknowledging or respecting the spirit of the law, we are going to have issues. Co-dependency. Just like I need my partners to respect my own agency and autonomy, I need for my partners to be autonomous, independent individuals who choose to share their lives with me and their other partners because they want to, not because they feel that they need to. Unwillingness to explore sexuality. We don't have to have all the same kinks, and you can have tried and ruled out certain things before I came along, and you can even have thought about something and decided without trying it that you're not interested in it. But even with our overlapping Venn Diagram of sexual interests, we will each have interests that the other has not explored yet, and I need for my partners to exhibit a sense of curiosity and active exploration about sex and BDSM in order to remain sexually attracted to someone. "Vanilla" sex is fine, even if that's the majority of our sex. It just can't be the only kind of sex we have or I will get bored. Since my sex partners are not interchangeable, "getting it from someone else" won't solve my problem. Chivalry. I absolutely loathe any and all expressions of sexism, even "benevolent sexism", and that includes gender-based "politeness". Treating me different from others because of my gender (as opposed to our unique relationship or connection or personal preferences), even if you treat me "better" is not acceptable in any form. I like nice people. Gestures of politeness on the basis of my gender or to live up to some standard of your own gender (i.e. being a "gentleman") are not nice. This is not up for debate and I am not interested in hearing justifications or why it's "different" when you do it. If you can't understand why I have a problem with this, we will have much bigger differences later on. Woo. I am a skeptical atheist and I have lost all patience for being in romantic relationships with people who view the world in a fundamentally different way than I do when I consider that worldview empirically wrong. I have no problem being friends with people of different worldviews, but if I'm going to build an intimate romantic connection with someone, I have to be compatible with them on the most fundamental levels, including what reality is and how to approach life. 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The InnKeeper's User Manual

I'm a fervent believer in the Me Manual - an "instruction manual" telling people how to deal with yourself. It can include your quirks, your fears, your Love Languages, your kinks, your triggers, your medical history, whatever. The point is that I am strongly opposed to treating partners and loved ones as if they have magic crystal balls and can divine what you want and don't want in relationships. So I put together a Me Manual, detailing all of those kinds of things. In fact, it's in my blog under the tag: Me Manual. But Cunning Minx, of the Poly Weekly podcast, has a background in marketing and has put together a User Manual template that is short and to the point (and also available at the end of her book 8 Things I Wish I'd Known About Polyamory). It's much easier reading than my jumbled novel-length posts sparked by random thoughts and situations. So I've taken her template and created my own based on it. This covers pretty much all the same things as my Me Manual does, but in a single, digestible format.

Family Background & History
How To Attract Me - Emotionally
How To Attract Me - Flirting
How To Attract Me - Sexually
Turn Ons
Turn Offs

Part A: Family Background/History
(this might explain some of my quirks)

I'm an oldest child. Excellent student, overachiever, bored easily, often in competition with my younger sister who excelled at everything I didn't & who felt challenged at everything I was good at.
I am a Gifted child. This means that I am incredibly smart, but I was praised for *being* smart, not for trying hard. Consequently, I get embarrassed or frustrated when something doesn't come easily to me, so I will often not bother trying or I'll give up quickly and move onto other things and that my potential in many areas has not been met because I gave up and moved on. But it also means that I have a great deal of interests and knowledge, and I'm proud of that. And it means that I will grasp things fairly quickly and will probably have a decent working understanding of certain topics that I have formed opinions or conclusions about and may not wish to hear an opposing viewpoint if I feel that I've heard it already and rejected it. It may be the first time you've spoken about it to me, but it's not the first time I've heard it.
My family is the classic American "normal" nuclear family. Catholic parents who married right after high school, still together, 2 kids, dog, suburbs, one scholarly kid & one jock kid. They believed very strongly that family was forever, so fights don't generally frighten me & I don't assume there is anything wrong with the relationship just because there is the occasional fight. People who do fear fights or see them as automatic symbols of relationship distress confuse and frustrate me.
I'm independent. I was raised to be independent, but really, this is an internal trait that far exceeds what my parents actually intended to instill. I like lots of alone time, I like taking care of myself, I take pride in developing the types of skills that allow me to be self-sufficient. However, I may occasionally feel a little bit left out when everyone in my life has someone to depend on and I end up taking care of myself when I'm sick and attending parties alone. So very small gestures of assistance or partnership are incredibly meaningful to me, as long as they are not done after I insist that I don't want the assistance and with the acknowledgement that I am still capable of doing it on my own.
I have abandonment issues because of a long history of men "trying out" polyamory for my sake, only to dump me for the first girl to come along who wants them but doesn't want polyamory. I also have a long history of men just up and leaving with no contact or explanation (i.e. the Disappearing Act form of breakup, also known as Ghosting). I need lots of assurances that whatever new partner comes along, that I won't be "replaced", that my partners intend to stick around for a while, that breakups will be civil and respectful and compassionate, and that my partners have a commitment to being "friendly exes" themselves. After a recent series of very bad breakups, I have an even larger amount of anxiety about people's breakup skills and dedications to polyamory or to me in particular.
I'm adopted so I have an, apparently, unusual ability to see poly analogs in monogamous society. Most of what I learned about how to manage multiple adult families and how to love multiple people came from my loving, heteronormative, family-oriented, monogamous family. It also means that I'm very sensitive about intentional families and intentional family-planning. I feel very strongly about issues of family being one of choice, not blood, and in the right to choice in parenting, and extrapolating those concepts to polyamory and other family and relationship issues.

Part B: How To Attract Me:
Emotionally

Make time for me but don't demand all of my time. Not enough regular contact and I'll assume you're not that into me and I'll just go about my life without putting too much thought into how it affects you. This could even happen after a relationship has been established. If I feel that you don't have time for me but I'm not otherwise unhappy about the relationship enough to breakup, I'll just start to withdraw myself and start going about my life with less consultation with you, transitioning to a more casually structured relationship even if I maintain a deep emotional connection.

But too much *demand* for regular contact and I'll start to feel confined. I want regular contact with my partners, but I also want flexibility from my partners with regards to my chaotic and unconventional schedule. In order, my preference for "contact" is: face-to-face / in-person time; phone conversations; online chat & public social networking interaction (tied); Skype; texting & email (tied). One exception is that public social networking interaction that is positive/complimentary/flirty/ or otherwise publicly acknowledges & reinforces a relationship is also very meaningful for me. But that's Words of Affirmation Love Language, whereas the methods of contact fall under Quality Time Love Language. Both are equally meaningful to me. If you aren't familiar with the Five Love Languages, I write about my Love Languages specifically in my Personality Profile page, and you can also ask me and we'll talk more on the subject. It's pretty extensive.
Ask your partner(s) to reach out to me. I prefer family-oriented inclusive networks, and having a metamour reach out to me reinforces the impression that my partners & metamours share my family values. It also greatly reduces my initial anxiety at the beginning of a relationship regarding the question of whether or not I am wanted or if there are any hidden anti-poly feelings or traps waiting for me.
Get to know my other partners. Taking the initiative to reach out and get to know my other partners is a HUGE emotional turn on for me. Especially Franklin, as he is someone I admire outside of just being my partner. He often expresses the things I want to say in a more lucid way than I can. So it's important to me that my other partners read his works and interact with him.

But it's also important that my partners get to know each other even those who aren't Franklin. When my partners are local, I need to be able to have Quality Time when multiple partners and/or metamours are present, so it's important that they get along with each other even if they don't become best friends outside of me. When my partners aren't local, I need to have multiple eyes and checks on my behaviour and my emotional state, so coordinating and comparing notes with each other is a valuable tool for keeping abreast of my well-being.

Also, being interested and willing to contact each other independently of me shows that you want the kind of inclusive, interconnected network that I want and resistance to reaching out to my other partners often signals an underlying issue with polyamory or my other partners specifically, or with abdicating the emotional labor necessary to maintain large poly networks. Even if it doesn't signal that in you, I will read it as such because of past patterns and it will distress me if you don't initiate or respond to contact and attempts at finding your own friendly path with my other partners.
Share my values on personal sovereignty, freedom in relationships, trust, and personal security. I am very attracted to people who are secure in themselves and their relationships to not feel the need for emotional crutches like veto power & behaviour-limiting relationship rules. Even better if you're not just personally secure enough to not need those things, but if you actively disapprove of those things and see the harm they cause everyone involved, not just the incoming partner who is typically the most disadvantaged in these situations.
Call me with stuff you think is funny / happy. I've developed an aversion to people with tremendous drama in their lives, and one of the things I've grown to appreciate is a partner who will share joy, not just pain. I'm also prone to cynicism (and I don't particularly want anyone to try and change that about me), but I do appreciate having happy, joyful, optimistic people around to balance me out. Making me smile or laugh is a great skill.
Be willing to cry in front of me. I'm touched when someone trusts me enough to cry in front of me. Show me your vulnerability, and I'll show you mine. Very few people get to see it.
Be willing to say "I was wrong" Admitting you were wrong with humility and without defensiveness is a huge turn-on for me. Not being able to do this is a deal-breaker. And be patient with me when I have a hard time doing the same, that's also an emotional turn-on for me.
Be willing to stand your ground when you believe I'm wrong. As the episode from Sex And The City goes, I'm looking for someone who is strong enough to catch me. I don't want a yes-man, but I don't want an argumentative jerk either. I want people who are strong and confident and who treat me like a person, not a fragile angel or a goddess or a superstar. Listen to me, even if I'm ranting. Chances are that once I think you understand my point of view, I'll figure out all on my own that you're right on quite a few of your main points.
Let me leave. If I leave the room or ask to stop the conversation when things are getting tense, it's because I'm becoming overwhelmed and I'm feeling attacked or cornered, what some psychologists call "being flooded". I need to escape to give myself a chance to calm down and think more rationally. When I leave, I'm not waiting the obligatory 5 seconds to see if you come after me. I'm really trying to escape, so please just let me go. If you have the ability to switch gears and change the subject to something lighthearted, especially if you can make me laugh, then I don't have to physically leave the room; I just need to emotionally "leave" the argument or situation, so you can ask me to stay and I'll stay.
Tell / show me you like me for who I am, not just for my hot ass and not just because I'm "Joreth". I'm really proud of my work and my accomplishments. In addition to a long history of men who leave when they find a "real girlfriend", I also have a long history of men who either date me or fuck me because they think I'm hot or they're somewhat starstruck, but they don't seem to really like me very much. They build up this model in their head of who they think I am or who I should be, and they tend to get resentful when I behave exactly according to who I told them I was instead of the model they made me out to be. So if you show an interest in getting to know all of me, not just the fun bits, I'll be really grateful, and it will help build trust. I'm looking for people who don't just "put up with" or tolerate these parts of me, like my temper or my "masculinity", I'm looking for people who celebrate those difficult or messy parts of me, even if they are also trying or frustrating at times.
Rub my shoulders, neck, and back, and don't be stingy with the pressure. Show me you have nice, strong hands and aren't afraid of all the tension I keep in my neck and shoulders. Don't use massages as a prelude to sexual encounters, as flirting, as an excuse to get your hands on my body, or try to "sneak" in sex or erotic touching. My back is damaged & I am in constant pain (some days are better than others). Back rubs do not equal "sex" to me, and attempts to make them erotic really anger me. If you really want to get in my good graces, give me a therapeutic massage and keep the sex out of it. Do it because you care about the pain I'm in and want to help, not as a selfish excuse to get something out of it for yourself.
Read my writings and follow me on social networking sites. I get not having a lot of time for the internet, but I spend a lot of my own time there, so I spend a lot of me there. If you want to really know me and who I am, be a presence in my internet life and read the things that I take the time to write. The less in-person time we spend together, the more important this is to me.
The Five Love Languages are a good start to the kinds of things that I need to feel loved and how I express love. I am multi-lingual; I need for love to be shown to me in Quality Time and Words of Affirmation the most, but very closely following is Acts of Service and Physical Touch. I wrote a whole page about how I need each of these Languages to be expressed and how each can be used to hurt me in especially damaging ways, so talk to me about this and check in every so often to see which Language is expressing itself the most at any given time. Gift Giving is tricky with me and it doesn't mean as much to me as the other languages, so if you like to express your love by buying gifts, it's best to stick with my online Wishlists or to outright ask me how I feel about something. I'm also terrible about knowing what to buy, so if you feel loved when you receive gifts, I'll need a wishlist from you.

Flirting

Quote my favorite movies, or movies in my favorite genres even if that particular movie isn't one of my favorites.
Fix my computer/server issues or car issues. I consider myself technically & mechanically competent, but I am extremely turned on by guys who are as competent as I am, or more, especially in those areas that are not my areas of expertise, like computers & cars. Only do so because you want to help me and not with the expectation that I will "reward" you for helping me by offering sexual or relationship favors. Kindness is hot, entitlement is not.
Prefer to wear practical clothing. I especially like geek clothing, stagehand clothing, and "country" wear for casual or practical. There's nothing like a hot ass in a pair of worn jeans or a shirt that shows off biceps and work-roughened forearms to get me going. I also like it when guys are ready to "do stuff". When something needs to be fixed, or we go outside in the heat, or we're working, or we're just goofing off and playing around, I like a guy who isn't worried about damaging his clothing or who dresses in clothes that won't let him do what needs to be done.
But also enjoy dressing up for special occasions. It's also incredibly attractive to me when guys take the effort to dress up for occasions, either in costume or in nicer outfits for dinner, dancing, or other formal events. Knowing how (or expressing interest in learning) to dress for the occasion, whether it's up for special events or down for practical daily stuff, is attractive to me. Do the emotional labor of paying attention to fashion and its consequences so that I, as the woman, am not the only one held responsible for attire since the consequences for improper attire of either gender tend to fall more heavily upon the woman in hetero relationships. Shouldering emotional labor is attractive. Bonus points for coordinating outfits with me. This is not exclusive – coordinating outfits with multiple people is also win.
Go dancing with me. I really love a guy who dances or who is willing to learn how to dance. If dancing isn't your thing, being interested in watching me dance is another option. This goes back to liking me for who I am – appreciating one of my skills which is a particularly strong passion of mine - as well as sharing my interests and engaging in Quality Time.
Send me sexy texts. I enjoy little random reminders of our sexual relationship, but especially when they are stand-alone flirting and do not have any expectations attached to them.
Use puns & double entendres. I like humor with multiple meanings, and if something can be said that is completely innocent but also taken sexually, I'll probably find it amusing.
Options for Joreth-friendly dates: ice cream; rock climbing; ballroom & swing dancing; something physical or unusual; interesting meals; movies & hot chocolate afterwards to talk about the movie; photography expeditions; exploring or urban spelunking; learning something new; attending science-themed and/or educational events; attending skeptical events; exploring shared kinks (but only after we have discussed and developed a kinky aspect to our relationship).
Share my interests with me and share your interests with me. I have a lot of interests, not just sex, poly and kink. If you love to cook, I would love someone to cook an elaborate dinner with or to appreciate someone's cooking skill if you want to cook for me. If you are into interior design/home renovation, I'd love someone to brainstorm and carry out home improvement projects with. If you dance, I'd love someone to hone my dance skills with. If you travel, I'd love someone to go on trips with--sightseeing in Europe, relaxing on the beach in Mexico, exploring Tibet, rambling through Ireland or New Zealand, cruising to Alaska, discovering local Florida. Share your interests with me, involve me in your world, and engage my participation.
I do not drink caffeine, alcohol, or smoke any substance, so being sober around me is a good start to any attempt at flirting, as is taking me places where sobriety will not detract from my enjoyment of the environment.
Be aware of times of the day when I'll be most receptive to flirting. I probably have Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome, which is when the circadian rhythm is off by several hours. This means that I am not a morning person, and nothing you can do or say will change that. Getting on a "schedule" will not fix it, going to bed early won't fix it, waking me up with sex won't fix it. My best times for interactions start in late afternoon. If you can stay up late with me, bonus.

I also probably have OCD, which means that if my mind is on something like a project or a task, I will be unreceptive to being interrupted with sexy times, although flirting without attached expectations may be appropriate, depending on the task that is distracting me.

Sexually

Casual sex: I have a wildly fluctuating libido, so I will go for short bursts of wanting sex all the time to long months, sometimes years, of not wanting sex at all. This means that when I have a deeply intimate local partner, I don't generally have enough attention or libido left over for casual sex and I find casual sex partners to be fun but ultimately not fulfilling. So I generally don't expend much energy in pursuing or maintaining casual sex partners. However, I am also somewhat opportunistic about sexual activities. If a rare opportunity comes up for a particular sexual activity that I might find interesting, I tend to want to act on that opportunity even if it means taking on a casual partner or one-night-stand to do it and even if my libido is otherwise in a low point.

I have to be in the right frame of mind for a casual sex relationship, and I am usually aware of when I am and am not capable of such a relationship. If I am not in the right frame of mind, I will likely be very unreceptive to casual sex propositions. If you are hoping to have a casual sex relationship with me, it is absolutely paramount that you accept rejection gracefully and do not continue to push. If I change my mind, I will approach you. If you push, I am not likely to change my mind.

If you are hoping to have an emotionally intimate relationship with me, I need the freedom to pursue the occasional casual sex relationship as certain opportunities arise without you feeling like it is a commentary on our relationship (this is particularly important if I become interested in a casual partner while I am in an otherwise low libido phase). I accept temporary safety boundaries imposed between us due to my casual partners, as I would probably request the same of you. I also prefer to have partners that do not desire casual partners themselves, at least not often, because of those safety boundaries – I don't want to have many boundaries between myself and my partners so I'd rather be with people who do not do the sorts of things that result in me needing higher safety boundaries between us. But I am not imposing a "no casual partners" rule for my partners. I am just more comfortable with partners who themselves have a low desire for casual partners. It's a double standard, I'm aware of that, and I understand if you don't like it.
Libido: As mentioned above, I have a wildly fluctuating libido. I am beginning to suspect I have what's called a "responsive libido", which is where the default position is "off" but it can be turned to "on" in response to the correct stimuli. But it also means that even when it's "on", it can quickly be turned to "off" with the incorrect stimuli. The difference, it is explained, is that people with non-responsive libidos think "hmm, I'm aroused, let's go find someone to have sex with," while someone with a responsive libido thinks "hey, this activity is arousing me, I guess I can have sex."

It's more nuanced than that, and we can talk more about it, but the gist is that my libido will take a sharp nosedive after the NRE has worn off and it's not a statement on the relationship or my feelings for my partner. I will lose interest in sex and I will stop initiating. This can be very difficult on my partners, but repeated attempts to stimulate my libido when it drops usually result in lowering the libido further. I need partners who have a strong sense of self-esteem who can withstand the drop in sex without feeling it as an assault on their attractiveness or the state of our relationship, and who can work with me on compromises so that I can continue to show and express my love and affection without instigating the resentment that comes from implications of entitlement and neediness (i.e. low self-worth) that many attempts to boost my libido often come with.

That all being said, with the right context and contact, my libido can often be coaxed into being "on". Check in with me to see if the context and contact is right at any given moment.
What is sex to me? To me, in general, sex is anything that I am most likely to get an STI from such as vaginal or anal penetration or oral sex or genital contact as well as anything that contributes to and/or results in sexual arousal and/or orgasm such as frottage (dry humping), "making out", heavy petting, "snogging", sexting, and webcaming. I do not consider kissing to be sex, but it is a behaviour that can transmit an STI, as well as other infections. I have a chronic respiratory condition, so when it comes to safety measures, I do include kissing in STI and safety discussions even though I don't consider it "sex" in the same way that I consider other acts. Also, I separate BDSM scening and sex; kink for me does not necessarily involve sex or sexual contact, so in discussions about sex and/or safety, BDSM is not included unless a specific activity also falls into the category of STI transmission, sexual contact, orgasm, and possibly arousal.

I also separate out "things that are a safety issue" and "things that are an emotional issue" with regards to sex. So even though I don't consider kissing to be sex, I'm still going to want to be notified about intentions to kiss and as soon after kissing has happened as possible when my partner's other partner is not an established partner, and only part of the reason I want to be notified will have to do with safety issues. When a partner has an established partner, I am much more comfortable with not knowing about each specific instance of sexuality. But I have difficulty with change and I have my own emotional issues (discussed elsewhere in this document), so knowing ahead of time that there is potential for sexuality with a new partner, knowing that there is *interest* even if the other person isn't aware of the interest / hasn't expressed reciprocal interest, and being notified as soon afterwards as possible of a new sexual development or encounter is very important to me and I may ask for emotional reassurances.
People often ask me what I'm into sexually. And in truth, the answer is, "It depends." There are a few activities I know I enjoy, to be sure. I've discovered, though, that it's often not the activity; it's the dynamic between the people and their respective levels of enthusiasm for and skill at the activity that matters. If you do something really well or have some special skill or kink, just let me know. Even if it's not my favorite thing now, it might be with you. And my favorite thing now might not be all that great with you. Let's just see what we're into together, shall we? That being said...

Part C: Turn Ons

Grabbing me by the hair but not pulling. I do not like the pain of hair pulling at all, but I do like the intensity of emotion or passion that is often signaled by gripping the hair and I enjoy the use of hair grabbing to control me.
Forcefulness. Once we are in an established relationship and once I feel comfortable and safe with you and once I feel accepted by your other partners, I am really turned on by a partner manhandling me and pinning me to a wall or a bed, or pretty much anything in that vein. Slam me up against a wall (protecting my head with your hand), push me down, hold my wrists above my head or behind my back, and don't let up when I resist unless I say "ow" or "stop". If I say "no" in this context, I might not mean "no". You have to be able to tell by the tone of my voice and if I'm explaining something seriously whether "no" means no or is just part of the aggressive scene.
Watch porn with me. Not boring straight porn. Gay and/or gang-bang porn. And parody porn, although that might illicit more laughter than arousal.
Flirt with me in public. Use double entendres and over-the-top promises or threats. Make it light-hearted, something that can be taken as a joke. You can even flirt by saying things that are totally off-limits in real life or that you do not actually intend. The point is to make me smile and think sexy thoughts, not to be a serious negotiation.
Tease me. Make promises/threats, touch me in almost-erotic zones, flirt with me in public, steal me away from work or public events for quick make-out sessions and then send me back while I'm still hot and bothered, draw out the foreplay until I beg to be fucked. Foreplay can last a few minutes, a few hours, or even a few days. Just pay attention to see if I'm enjoying the foreplay or if I'm starting to get frustrated. If it goes on for too long, I'll lose my arousal. But don't just go straight for the nipples, the crotch, or the sex. I need to get worked up first. However, if you've been teasing me well, like getting me aroused while I'm at work, then when I finally do get you in a place where sex is appropriate, you can go straight for the sex with no warm-up because the warm-up will have been happening already.
Be a good kisser. This is very subjective, so what it means is to pay attention to how I'm kissing you and attempt to match my style (as I'll be doing with you), as well as modifying the style for different purposes. I love deep kissing and that's a huge turn on, but I also like sweet, tender kisses, and quick I'm-just-thinking-of-you-and-wanting-to-connect-with-you kisses. I like kisses that start out chaste, and then turn flirty and teasing, and then turn passionate, just like sex. And I especially like partners who like to kiss just for the sake of kissing and not only as a prelude to something else. If you're interested in some hot, passionate kissing (especially in public, or pulling me aside privately when we're in a place where that kind of kissing is not appropriate) that gets us both worked up but then ends with the kissing and we go about our business, that's almost a guaranteed way to keep me coming back for more.
Give me tons of aftercare. Cover me with a blanket and hold me. Let me cry if that's where I go afterwards. Let me ramble if *that's* where I go. Let me sit in silence. Have my favorite after comfort food ready for me – milk chocolate Symphony bar and Martinelli's sparkling apple cider. If that's not available, one of the many sweets that I enjoy will work too, but that's my favorite.
Make sure I get home safely, and call me the next day to connect. Live chat online may work as a substitute, but texting is less preferable, especially if I have to work the next day. I hate back-and-forth conversations by text, but I love small, immediate reminders of my loved ones and our time together.

Part D: Turn Offs:

Insulting your former partners. I understand needing to complain about past relationships or being honest about the problems or flaws with past relationships, but guys who call their exes "crazy" or who can't maintain any friendships post-breakup are a major turn off and red-flag for me. The same could be said for present partners. If you don't respect your current partners, then I'll have trouble respecting you for your choice to be with them.
Lack of communication. I fall in love with the brain first, so if you can't talk to me (or your partners can't), we probably won't go anywhere.
Being too popular / high turnover. Guys with five or more partners or high partner turnover will probably find dating me challenging, since I like to take the time to get to know my metamours. I'm also not a big fan of the scarcity model of sex and relationships. In my experience, people who have large numbers of partners or high turnover rates of partners often feel compelled to act on every impulse and attraction that they feel even when that means they go beyond their polysaturation point, they choose partners that aren't compatible with their existing networks or their existing schedules, or when they over-extend themselves and the rest of their partners suffer because they've taken on too many obligations, responsibilities, or interests.

People who feel that love and sex is abundant tend to be more responsible about choosing partners and will often refrain from opportunities in the interests of maintaining their time management and existing relationships because they feel confident that love and sex is plentiful and they don't need to explore something just because it's offered or available. I like when my partners know their limits and when they value their existing relationships enough to consider the impact that high numbers of new partners will have on them.
Dating too young. Guys who are dating in the 18-25 range or who date more than 15 years their junior, in my experience, tend to enjoy either the drama or glib dependence of youth, and I have a low tolerance for both in my dating life. With men, there is the added complication of a built-in unequal power dynamic that has to be compensated for and not acknowledging that power dynamic sets off red flags for me.

The webcomic XKCD offers a starting point for determining a reasonable (in my opinion) age range cut-off point: Younger than half your age + 7 years = creepy territory. I, personally, try not to date anyone young enough to have been my own child, which is where the 15 years mentioned above comes from. Of course, the older the age of the younger person in a couple, the greater the gap can be without triggering the power dynamic or the "creepy" factor or the drama factor and the XKCD formula accounts for that. Life Stages also play a role in determining the suitability of an age gap.
Not getting tested. Not being willing to wear protection and not getting tested regularly are hard limits for me. Let me repeat that – this is a deal-breaker. Getting tested and wearing protection just with me isn't even enough. I am only interested in sexual relationships with guys who are interested for their own sakes in getting tested regularly and using protection when appropriate no matter who their partners are or how many they have.
Not respecting feminism or agency or autonomy or personal sovereignty. You might not understand that feminism is all about the latter three, and so don't consider yourself a feminist. That's OK, education can clear that up. But the issues of agency et. al are literally about my very humanity, so not respecting them means not respecting me as a human being, and not respecting me is a turn off. Any current connection with MRA or PUA culture is a deal-breaker. Libertarianism or admiration for Ayn Rand also don't work too well for me.
Missing The Point Pedantry. I get very irritated when I'm trying to make a point and all knowledge of who I am, my history, precedent, social convention, casual language, and poetic license get pushed aside in order to argue with me some issue of pedantry that misses the point of what I'm trying to say. Also, rules-lawyering. If you argue with me over the letter of the law without acknowledging or respecting the spirit of the law, we are going to have issues.
Co-dependency. Just like I need my partners to respect my own agency and autonomy, I need for my partners to be autonomous, independent individuals who choose to share their lives with me and their other partners because they want to, not because they feel that they need to.
Unwillingness to explore sexuality. We don't have to have all the same kinks, and you can have tried and ruled out certain things before I came along, and you can even have thought about something and decided without trying it that you're not interested in it. But even with our overlapping Venn Diagram of sexual interests, we will each have interests that the other has not explored yet, and I need for my partners to exhibit a sense of curiosity and active exploration about sex and BDSM in order to remain sexually attracted to someone. "Vanilla" sex is fine, even if that's the majority of our sex. It just can't be the only kind of sex we have or I will get bored. Since my sex partners are not interchangeable, "getting it from someone else" won't solve my problem.
Chivalry. I absolutely loathe any and all expressions of sexism, even "benevolent sexism", and that includes gender-based "politeness". Treating me different from others because of my gender (as opposed to our unique relationship or connection or personal preferences), even if you treat me "better" is not acceptable in any form. I like nice people. Gestures of politeness on the basis of my gender or to live up to some standard of your own gender (i.e. being a "gentleman") are not nice. This is not up for debate and I am not interested in hearing justifications or why it's "different" when you do it. If you can't understand why I have a problem with this, we will have much bigger differences later on.
Woo. I am a skeptical atheist and I have lost all patience for being in romantic relationships with people who view the world in a fundamentally different way than I do when I consider that worldview empirically wrong. I have no problem being friends with people of different worldviews, but if I'm going to build an intimate romantic connection with someone, I have to be compatible with them on the most fundamental levels, including what reality is and how to approach life.

More About The InnKeeper

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